ITS SATURDAY MORNING HERE - THE OLDER KIDS HAVE GONE FOR SOCCER WITH MICHELLE AND YOUNGER ONES ARE WATCHING TV DOWNSTAIRS. AS I PLAY DAD'S FAVORITE SHABAD AGAIN AND AGAIN, AND AGAIN RECOLLECT THOSE MOMENTS OF LOSS, RATHER THE RECOGNITION OF LOSS, OF A GREAT MAN WHO WAS MY FATHER...
As I had mentioned earlier, Jan 26 was the day when I finally realised that dad had passed away from this world - in fact, I felt that dad had indeed died on Sunday night itself but this was possibly a way for me to come back and go through the process of last rites. Days before we were discussing the same issue and comparing dad's situation with that of Bare Daddy (Baba virji's father).
Coming back to the hospital that night was tough - first, I met with Micky virji outside and talked about arrangements for dad's funeral, then Sonu and I faced the reality together but cried separately - this may have happened in the morning. Finally, I faced mom and she wanted to know all the details - Micky virji had warned me not to share my assessment of things but give a straight forward answer (with some hope mixed into it) - and I could not resist telling exactly what I felt.
Most of the moments of that night are unclear now, but I clearly remember the conversation with mom. After stalling it again and again, while she went back and forth from dad's side to the waiting room, mom finally sat down and gave me 100% attention - curiosity had gotten better of her. I wonder if she had already heard the other report from Mrs. Khanna's side...
Anyways, as we sat down and mom had me cornered and my stalling was no good, she asked me again. This time I could not resist and asked if I was talking to the wife or the doctor. Although her prompt answer was doctor, I knew that I was talking to the wife but again, my American self could not resist to give a straight answer. Eventually, I do wonder if that made any difference at all as we still clung to hope for next 4-5 days until dad's heart finally gave in.
"Brain dead!" That's what I told mom - did you hear it? I said brain dead mom, but she was in a different world, as if she could not hear me! No, that may not have been the words that the doctor used, but Mini didi and I were very direct with him and again and again confirmed our fears - you mean he is brain dead? said Mini didi...no, that's not what you mean - you mean he may come out of it? she retorted again; yes, there is hope, even 1%? should we bring him to escorts - anywhere you want it doctor...so desperate was Mini didi - my desperation was of a quiet kind. Can Apollo do anything? would you like to see him - here are the cat scans - what are you saying doctor...not even that much hope - Brain dead?
Yes mom, dad's Brain dead - he probably passed away on Sunday night itself but the people in the first hospital were able to revive his heart and that started the hope process - that ten plus minutes of no breathing between home and the hospital were totally overlooked; but again, I am thankful for that - I would not have any material to write about....
I saw the desperation in my mom's eyes at that time - surely she went through a similar motion, while pumping the inhaler in dad's mouth when he passed out on Sunday night - NO, NOTHING COULD HAVE BEEN DONE ABOUT THAT - yes, she was a wife first to my dad and then a doctor - AND NO THAT IS EXACTLY HOW DAD WOULD HAVE WANTED - I am sure that scene keeps playing in certain peoples mind while they work through their self- guilt and grief. I am grateful to all, that you at least gave me a reason to come back and participate in a family event, which otherwise I would have missed.
I am not sure if mom slept OK that night or not - I was at peace, if nothing else then from the fact that I knew the final answer. Miraculous awakening of dad would be just fine, but if not, then I already knew the fate. So much so that the next few days would be spent in impatience and torment as everybody else still clung to hope while I worked through my self-guilt of wishing/knowing that dad was dead.
The desperate moments had not started yet - they would next day as our clear 2nd, 3rd opinions vanish in the clear enthusiasm of the other opinions from around the world. These were doctors too that were recommending putting keertan in dad's ears as that may awaken the gone. EEG tests would not be performed as the need for that was not felt and also the answer from that was obvious; anyways, I am again getting ahead of the story....
The next day we were at the hospital again and I remember plenty of walking in the corridors of the first floor wing, talking life and death. My first victim was Guria as she came to realise the inevitable as well. She was the most optimist as she was the closest to dad; until that morning. I suddenly saw her accept what was being put forward by these opinions that we had sought in the doctors of South Delhi. She had her crying eyes dehydrate her body but was emotionally quite stable. She talked about memories of dad that are too personal to be shared here. She updated me on the last seventeen years that I was not there. Guria had gotten very close to dad in the last few years and dad used to call her everyday. Did you see that I did not use 'almost', because he did call her everyday!. Also, Amrit and dad had a very good understanding of each other and dad had a lot of respect for his hard work - Amrit was a self-made man, just like dad.
While people gathered and dispersed at the waiting room, Guria and I continued our walks. We talked about life in general and dad in particular. I learnt more about dad during that time than any other time. Dad was very proud of building his business back to where it was - he had taken back the reins of the shop from Mannu, who had lost interest in it anyways. Although life had been quite busy since he left US in August, dad seemed to have enjoyed those times. I did not call him much in his last few months, I did get reports from mom and Guria though. When I did call dad he was always in high spirits and didn't feel burdened by what he was doing - in fact he had a very good attitude, at least that's what I recollect from one of my phone conversations with him.
Mom had told me that dad had started going to the shop as soon they returned back, as Mannu had closed the shop for days while they were here. Dad may have been upset at Mannu but I never got that feeling when I talked to him. He cheerfully told me how he was restocking the shop and how the costumers were coming back - it was almost similar to the situation we had after 1984 riots. I told dad that God had given him another chance to take his business to where ever he wanted to take it to!
We even joked about it and it seems to have given dad a new meaning of life. He had come out of retirement, just to prove to himself (and others) that he can still do it. Guria hinted to something similar while we walked around the corridors and this daily exercise had invigorated dad's life instead of inhibiting it. Although he could not just take off to visit somebody anytime anymore, that was least of his concerns. Guria and Amrit still met dad regularly at the club, his favorite hangout.
This elongated mourning time also helped Guria, I think, in coping with the loss. It would have been harder for all of us if, in fact, dad would have been declared dead on Sunday night. We talked a lot about that as well - the way dad went. Guria thought that dad would have never preferred slow death - he would rather just go quickly. Guria had premonitions that this was his final time but only in this morning discussions did these things come up. I think, just like me, Guria also realised that we had lost our dad.
Gurinder Virji showed up soon - he was there on Sunday night when dad was admitted but had to leave right away - he was unreachable for a next few days and had only come back in town the night before. He was quite emotional about the situation as well - I don't think I had ever seen him that worked up. He agreed with Mannu about no money/work in the pharmaceutical line anymore and seemed still looking for something else to do. I am not sure what all he is involved with, but it was good talking to him.
The discussion that morning would quickly move to getting the EEG done to make sure that it was in fact a 'brain dead' situation. Mini didi and Atul had come back to visit the night before as they also understood the graveness. This morning Mini didi came late, and when she found out that the EEG idea was dropped, she wondered what had changed from the night before. Baba virji did not understand the need for EEG yet as he was not at the doctors night before. Both, while talking to mom, were concerned and somehow the situation felt as if we were pressuring mom to conduct EEG. Let me track back...
The EEG just proves if a person is brain dead or not - our specialist from South Delhi (that Mini didi and I visited) had recommended EEG to Dr. Sachdeva while we were there and it was decided that is what would be done first thing next morning. Then, next morning, Dr. Sharma from US had intervened and instead recommended putting the Keertan on in dad's ears as that is what the situation called for (beyond grave) - according to him, EEG would just prove our worse fears and show no sign of brain activity as dad was quite sedated; positive EEG would prove brain dead situation.
Dr. Makkar and Dr. Sachdeva, with mom's agreement, were more interested in wait and watch scenario. According to them, EEG would be worthless and the present signs of deterioration pointed to that situation anyway. Instead of playing God they wanted to leave the situation in God's hands, and, if he willed, dad would survive. Mom also preferred that but we wanted to know then and there what the situation was. Baba virji got upset as he felt that we were trying to pressurize mom into conducting certain tests...
It was decided that me, Baba virji, Mannu and Mini didi would go see Dr. Makkar in the afternoon/evening to get the latest update on the situation. In the meanwhile, with the orders from the doctors, me, Mannu and Sonu went on a quest to buy a Walkman and Sukhmani Sahib CD.
We went to the Jawalahheri market to find an appropriate equipment. It wasn't long and we found what we needed. For the next few days we intermittently went inside the ICU to make sure the Walkman was working and the keertan was playing - dad probably heard more keertan during that time than any other!
Mom still had hopes - it probably was from the guilt of the happenings of the last day. That's not how the last day between husband and wife plays out! Mom wanted dad to stay home and skip shop that day - Sunday - dad wanted to go to the shop and therefore mom was upset at him. I don't know the rest of the details of that day but surely that is not how it was supposed to end. Mom wanted dad to wake up one more time and set things right. This would come to play when dad finally gives in on Tuesday morning.
Four of us then went to meet Dr. Makkar in his clinic. We wanted to talk to him candidly and therefore did not want mom there. It was a good exercise in raising our hopes again and discussion moved towards how the medical field is practised in the west. In US a person can be pronounced dead if his or her brain is dead - not so in India. If the other vital organs are working fine then the doctors continue to work on the patient and, in many cases, the patient had returned back from the brain dead situations. Dr. Makkar, just like us, was living on hope - that's one disadvantage of having a doctor who is so close to the family of the patient. At the same time, he brought out the human face in the practise of medicine. His role was commendable in the whole situation.
There were still plenty of ups and downs in dad's condition, but thinking back, by this time I had become indifferent to any kinds of reports. The whole day went in a daze as I was finally accepting dad's death as a reality. I am not sure where others were in their acceptance of the situation that day but it seems that Guria might have also accepted the situation - next few days she may have lapsed back into hope, but I am not sure. I don't even remember if I slept in the hospital that night or went home.....
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