To an extend, an awareness is needed in 'curing' the loss. Certain things are done traditionally in older societies that are lacking in the newer ones, although the newer ones are blessed with the 'studies' of events. Loss and grief is one such event that is studied well in the west and much thought has been put into it academically. What we ritualized in the east, in terms of practice, to overcome the loss, they write books about in the west - may be, without going through the motions of it. The practices of ancient societies have the healing effect although the reason behind the practices may have become unclear now - to an extend that we shun those practices in the present time.
This way, we in the east are loosing our practices/rituals as we do not understand them, while appreciating the answers from the west that may have come from observing these practices! Joseph Campbell talks about myth in a similar fashion but that will be going on a tangent: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joseph_Campbell
What I wanted to talk about here was the different stages that people go through when they loose somebody. There is no particular way, I believe, but certain scholars have postulated different theories about this. One of the most famous and the earliest one was forwarded by Elsabeth Kubler-Ross in her 1969 book 'Death and Dying'.
I have taken the next few paragraphs from sources on the internet. It goes through the 5 stages of loss/grief that Kubler-Ross proposes, which has been further revised and refined. Please pass this on to my mother and sister - We may all find ourselves on one or the other ladder (with our own losses):
SOURCE: http://www.psychcentral.com/lib/2006/the-5-stages-of-loss-and-grief/1. Denial and Isolation
The first reaction to learning of terminal illness or death of a cherished loved one is to deny the reality of the situation. It is a normal reaction to rationalize overwhelming emotions. It is a defense mechanism that buffers the immediate shock. We block out the words and hide from the facts. This is a temporary response that carries us through the first wave of pain.2. Anger
As the masking effects of denial and isolation begin to wear, reality and its pain re-emerge. We are not ready. The intense emotion is deflected from our vulnerable core, redirected and expressed instead as anger. The anger may be aimed at inanimate objects, complete strangers, friends or family. Anger may be directed at our dying or deceased loved one. Rationally, we know the person is not to be blamed. Emotionally, however, we may resent the person for causing us pain or for leaving us. We feel guilty for being angry, and this makes us more angry.The doctor who diagnosed the illness and was unable to cure the disease might become a convenient target. Health professionals deal with death and dying every day. That does not make them immune to the suffering of their patients or to those who grieve for them.
Do not hesitate to ask your doctor to give you extra time or to explain just once more the details of your loved one’s illness. Arrange a special appointment or ask that he telephone you at the end of his day. Ask for clear answers to your questions regarding medical diagnosis and treatment. Understand the options available to you. Take your time.
3. Bargaining
The normal reaction to feelings of helplessness and vulnerability is often a need to regain control–
- If only we had sought medical attention sooner…
- If only we got a second opinion from another doctor…
- If only we had tried to be a better person toward them…
Secretly, we may make a deal with God or our higher power in an attempt to postpone the inevitable. This is a weaker line of defense to protect us from the painful reality.
4. Depression
Two types of depression are associated with mourning. The first one is a reaction to practical implications relating to the loss. Sadness and regret predominate this type of depression. We worry about the costs and burial. We worry that, in our grief, we have spent less time with others that depend on us. This phase may be eased by simple clarification and reassurance. We may need a bit of helpful cooperation and a few kind words. The second type of depression is more subtle and, in a sense, perhaps more private. It is our quiet preparation to separate and to bid our loved one farewell. Sometimes all we really need is a hug.5. Acceptance
Reaching this stage of mourning is a gift not afforded to everyone. Death may be sudden and unexpected or we may never see beyond our anger or denial. It is not necessarily a mark of bravery to resist the inevitable and to deny ourselves the opportunity to make our peace. This phase is marked by withdrawal and calm. This is not a period of happiness and must be distinguished from depression.
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