Interestingly, the first night at the hospital waiting room was not bad - I slept like a child, although only for 4-5 hours; they came to wake us at 8AM - I was already up and kicked Mannu to a wakeful state.
Jan 25 - A certain schedule was set for all family members for the daily hospital pilgrimage; my first experience was on this morning. I guess this was already happening every day before my coming - Mom got there, either with Guddu or Mannu picked her up, Guria, Amrit were there as well, Mickey Virji, Mini didi, along with Sonu, Sonu Khanna were next unless they were taking turns in sleeping there; Bunny Virji, Baba Virji came, unless they were out because of the flight. The women of the household - all the Parjai ji's - came in early afternoon. Badi Mummy and Mrs. Khanna brought delicious foods next, that was devoured in time - special requests were taken seriously, as I enjoyed yummy pakwaans everyday.
What was normal in the Indian society became a cultural experience for me. I had a realisation that I was not an Indian anymore - coming days would put prove that thought correct and, at the same time, bring back the Indianness. Not that I was an American now - neither that - I had lost touch with my roots, although 2-3 days of orientation was enough. A person that is a product of multiple cultures can critically look at each, without absolutism, and detach himself from the 'happening'. I wish the situation was different but, then, only situations like these have their acute effect.
Pappa was told of the situation, although not the graveness of it. Again, that optimism was a powerful potion and everyone was hoping against all odds. The doctors usually made their rounds in the morning - we were fortunate to have a family friend walk us through the whole ordeal - Dr. Makkar came in the morning and I met with him; I also met with Dr. Sachdeva, the neurosurgeon that was responsible for dad's care. Although the atmosphere inside the ICU was quite laxed, the strictness of visitation gave it a fake sense of empowerment - the strictness was for certain people, not for us...the social hierarchy became quite evident. The same security guard that stopped the masses from seeing their near and dear in the ICU would let us in with no problems - I guess he was also instructed to do so from the top; even if it was not verbal, it was quite evident.
Dr. Makkar seemed quite busy in the morning although he did not mind talking to me. Finding him preoccupied I asked him for an appointment time when I could discuss dad's situation clearly - a time in the afternoon was set, at his private clinic. In the meanwhile, I did meet with other doctors in the care of my father - again the optimism was quite obvious. I don't want to sound as if they gave us a lot of hope - the survival rate was told to be low but then the miraculous escapes from such dire conditions were always highlighted. And this is where the culture shock seeped in.
The seventeen years in US had made me a straight shooter. I had lost the Indian sense of indirectness and had almost become blunt to the point of rudeness. In the my daily work I talk about these differences in culture and move from one personality to another - American with Americans and international with internationals. This multiple personality is a great asset in my field as I am able to react to different situations in different manners, to the point of 'faking' it. By this I do not mean that I have become superficial but instead I see clearly the relativeness of cultural values and I do not buy into it.
Every culture tends to impart its values as absolute values. And, its not the cultures fault - if a human being only experiences one culture he or she will always endear those values as absolute! Also, these values create the personality and a sense of belonging - its not that easy to just 'wear it down'. 'This is what makes you an Indian, a German, an English, a Japanese. The conflict only comes when you become a product of more than one culture. In the globalised world this is becoming more and more common. And thus more and more people are going through a readjustment of their sense of being. You could choose to belong to both culture, but I have chosen to belong to none. More on that later.
I asked Mannu if he could join me when I visited with Dr. Makkar as I had some difficult questions to ask and Mannu would need to hear the more difficult answers. The finality of the condition had not seeped in yet - that would happen tomorrow - but I needed to prepare Mannu as I was just a guest to the situation and, ultimately, it would be Mannu who would be running the show in a drastically changed world. My sense of self-confidence and easy going were not going to make the situation easier, especially after I left. Mannu needed to know, and that also quickly, that he had become the head of the household. Not of the clan - for that we had GODFATHER.
I was really grateful to Mickey Virji for clearly telling me what to do - come to India right now. Even if dad would have survived this, I would not have changed this a bit - I may have had different afterthought, no blog for sure, and a different outlook, but clearly, it still would have been a cultural experience - a coming back home 'culture shock'. We call this a re-entry shock in the field. This is when a study-abroad student comes back to his country after a semester or year of living in another country - his shock this time around is usually more acute than the initial one that he had entering another country. I am attaching a document called 'Intercultural Adjustment Cycle' instead of continuously bringing this topic people - people can read the whole document, if they feel like.
Anyways, going back to the story of Godfather - a name given to Mickey Virji - and the clan. Growing up we had always heard how the four brothers had survived the odds and established themselves in the newly formed country. Pappa had taken upon himself to see that his brothers not only survived but thrived in the new environment. He was responsible for everything that we were, maybe indirectly for our generation, and surely the adhesive for the whole family to stay together. The events of this past ten days passed on the torch to the next.
I coined the term light-heartily as I saw Mickey Virji take charge without imposing on others. He naturally organized things that made sense with no elders being hurt with his lead. From hospital duty charts to food preparation responsibilities, and later, dad's final rites, Godfather took upon himself to see the situation through. That reminded me also of my childhood memories of Mickey Virji taking me to the Punjabi Bagh market on his bicycle (which I could only climb after standing on the small gate at Pappa's house) for all sorts of goodies, from chaat to campa cola, not to mention the eventful Bangalore time. Anyways, the term stuck and Godfather for this generation was confirmed.
After everyone arrived at the hospital Mannu and I went to see Dr. Makkar. By this time I had come to know all the details of the situation and slim chance of dad's survival, optimistic myths-stories set aside. Dr. Makkar confirmed everything and gave dad a 30% chance to survive - the situation would change in a day though. It was not grim yet but pretty grim - may be everybody was buying time so that the fatality was not considered immediate but instead in a slow progression. Again, the stories of people surviving situations as such were highlighted, although in my mind I was not a believer anymore. I had thrown in the towel and was of the belief that dad in fact had passed away on Sunday night itself and instead this was God's chance to give me time to come back to India to observe the last rites, a situation that never happened in Bade Daddy's case. Interestingly, both brothers had some kind of stroke/brain hemorrhage - I still clearly remember Bade Daddy's passing away and my time with Bunny Virji, while he was stuck in Chicago due to 9/11.
That day the topic of discussion moved to the following: Is it better to go quick (as Bade Daddy did) or is it better to let a situation linger on (as was the case of dad). I was discussing this everyone and, hopefully, nobody minded it. Again, I was being direct of something that is not discussed that frankly in certain cultures. People looked puzzled by my asking but no one seen to take it personally - either they gave me the benefit of doubt or overlooked due to my temporary status. In any case, certain discussion of the situation brought in other players in to the field.
Mini Didi was troubled by the stalemate of the situation, so were Baba Virji. On top of that Dr. Bansi and Pawanjeet Mama ji were gravely concerned and in constant touch with doctors or mom. That afternoon the situation was also planning to take a grave turn and another Cat scan would be ordered. The comparative pictures of the scans will be photographed and emailed to all corners of the world. Further, next day 2nd and 3rd opinions would be sort and, atleast in my mind, a finality of the situation would set in.
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